God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

Hiatus

2009-11-17T07:55:45Z

I have a list of things I should post on LJ- including my weight journal, which I've filled out, but haven't gotten to putting up - but I've decided to take a hiatus. I just have no urge to post or read or, well, do much of anything. I'll be back, just not for awhile.

smgriffin @ 2009-10-31T19:27:00

2009-11-01T03:39:52Z

As a 'pitbull' mix owner, I get nervous every time there's another article about the evils of the breed. From the get go, people addressing this breed always paint themselves as uneducated on the topic because, well, the biggest kicker is there IS NO PITBULL BREED. There are American Pitbull Terriers, yes, but when people use the blanket term 'Pitbull' it involves anywhere from three to OVER A DOZEN dog breeds! Personally, I own an American Staffordshire Terrier mix ,which is completely different from and American Bulldog, which has nothing to do with an American Bull Terrier, which is maybe a third the size of and American Pitbull Terrier!

Finally, however, there is an article out in mainstream media saying what Pibble (Yes, that is what many owners call them. They seriously are just not that scary) Owners have been saying for years. 'Owners, Not Pit Bulls, Are the Problem' by Joan Raymond is a well-informed, directly written, short article that is both informative without having a heavy PETA-like biase. Instead of simply saying 'I think they're nice dogs!', she cites reliable SCIENTIFIC studies that back up the fact that yes, bully breeds are often dog aggressive, but when it comes to people, they're one of the most friendly breeds out there.

I strongly encourage ANYONE to read the article, whether you're fond of the breed or not. If you've had a bad run in with the breed before, I hope this article will help you identify dangerous OWNERS of these dogs so you never have the same experiance again.

Owners, Not Pit Bulls, Are the Problem

Completion

2009-11-01T01:36:02Z

Today, in the scheme of things, was a good day. I complete two of my projects, played with the dogs, and bought groceries without forgetting anything or picking something up with the urge to 'make myself feel better'.

My pumpkins are carved and suitably gruesome to be zombies and victim so I've very proud. It's not quite dark enough yet to light them and the trick-or-treaters still haven't started trickling in, so they real test on their success will be later.

I also finished the painting I started. It ended up being a very emotional piece for me, even though it's very simple.

On the back of the painting I have written the beginning of the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Trying to find my way

2009-10-30T01:25:14Z

My brother shot himself a week ago and I’m still picking up the pieces. On one hand, I know I’ve barely had any time to live with it, but on the other, I feel like I should be able to pick myself up and move on. The conflicting ideas have me tumbling through classes and sleeping through others, making small plans to keep myself busy while neglecting things I know I need to do. I wish I could seize onto one and let the other go, but I feel like grasping onto mourning will keep me from living, but ignoring what I’ve lost is only denying the inevitable.

With all the self-help books out there, you’d think that someone, somewhere, would have perfected mourning. It’s not a new concept; people have been dying and leaving families behind since the days of Adam and Eve. I have a feeling when Cain bashed Able’s head in, their parents where wishing the same thing. Here we are, thousands of years later, with nothing to show for it. I know there are support groups out there to assist with this sort of thing, but I suppose it’s selfish not to want to share with them. My pain is unique and, well, mine. I don’t want to bring Andrew out to a group of people with their own memories of loved ones and lose him amongst the jumbles of everyone else’s loss. Besides, most families recovering from suicide either had warning signs, a list of depressive symptoms, or, hey, previous threats that they can look back on and pull their heart out crying over going ‘I should have known’. Well guess what? There weren’t any. Not a single one. We talked to him within hours of him pulling the trigger and he was broken up over a fight with his girlfriend, but he was fine. There weren’t any red flags and when he said, ‘I’m going to try and get some sleep, I love you.’ It wasn’t a black omen of his dark intentions where our failure to read the signs brought ruin to the world. It just was.

When I saw the body, It was wrong. I know now why so many people react to a body with ‘That’s not them’. When you pulled the spirit out of Andrew, he was gone. You noticed things that weren’t there before, like how little his nose was and how it was identical to my older sister, Rebecca’s. The fact his features didn’t line up properly and his eyes were too small and his lips too big. If he were a canvas, he would be tossed out for imperfections because the sheer force that was Andrew that made all of those little things fit and come together was gone. The thing I notice most, though, were his lips.

I first thought it was a sloppy mistake on the part of the funeral home. It seemed silly that, while the rest of him was impeccably presented, they should be so careless with the foundation on his lips. It took me hours to realize it wasn’t the foundation that was applied unevenly, it was his lips. The funeral home had tried their best to disguise the burns on his lips, where Andrew had swallowed the barrel and been singed. Contact burn, I guess they call it. Because he’d died immediately, there was none of the tell-tale swelling or reddening, just a case of bad chapped lips.

My family is still scattered across the states; my parents and younger sister are spending another week in St. Louis and older sister is in Boston for work. I don’t know what my parents are thinking, staying in that town, but I couldn’t get away from there soon enough. After burying my grandfather a month ago – and I do mean a month; Granddad died September 19^th and Andrew October 19^th – I’ve too many bad memories to ever enjoy myself in Missouri ever again, much less St. Louis. Of course, I’m not sure how healthy my sitting at home alone is turning out to be. Technically, I have a friend staying with me, but she’s so busy I see her five minutes a day, if we wake up around the same time. I tend to spend long hours laying in bed not wanting to get up, followed by hours sitting on the sofa not wanting to get up. It’s wonderful for my psyche, I’m sure.

At least I do go out, now and again. I’ve been seeing Mr. Brown every couple of days. He taught all three of us older kids and will undoubtedly have Emma before she graduates. Of any of the adults in Andrew’s life, he knew him best and it’s a comfort to be around someone who misses him just like I do, but who doesn’t expect to be consoled and pampered. Mr. Brown misses him, but he wasn’t his son or brother and that makes it easier, I guess.

Of course, Adam isn’t taking it any better than I am. Adam was Andrew’s best friend since kindergarten and there was little in his life he did without consulting Andrew first. Andrew was always the general, an effortless leader that people flocked to for guidance. It helped that he was rarely wrong, and only debatably so when he was. Andrew was the guiding light for so many people; it was a shock to me to realize he was mine, too. I didn’t ask him before I made my choices, but ever since I was a child, Andrew would tell me something and I’d repeat it ad nauseum as fact for the rest of my life. It didn’t matter I didn’t know where it came from or if it had any basis in fact, Andrew believed it and that was enough. I spent my entire life mimicking him and following his footsteps, even when striking out as an individual. Now, he’s done something I don’t want to follow, that I can never agree with, and in a way, he’s knocked himself off his pedestal. I won’t be repeating what he says anymore or trying to be who he was. Whoever he was, he wasn’t as strong as I thought and I know I can be better. I know I am better.

Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s stopped influencing my life. Andrew believed that I was only as limited as my dedication and that it had been a lifelong frustration for him to watch me fail in school and other pursuits simply because I decided not to apply myself and not according to any actual pitfalls in ability or talent. It was flattering and encouraging to know someone I admired so greatly had that sort of confidence in me. Years before, when I’d first begun working on my weight, Andrew had told me not to worry about it. One day, I’d decide it was time to lose it and I would. Well, I’ve been working hard these last few months, but it was nothing compared to the dedication I found with Andrew’s death. Some part of me refuses to make a liar out of him. I still want to believe that everything Andrew said will come true. I suppose it’s just the little sister in me.

smgriffin @ 2009-10-27T08:32:00

2009-10-27T16:32:35Z

Back home from St. Louis again. We buried Andrew in Marceline on Sunday, so at least that's taken care of. Texas is going to take two months getting us his death certificate so we can't clean up any of the legal business until then. This whole thing has cost about 20k and I have no idea how we're going to pay for it. I'm still numb from the whole thing and getting up in the morning is hell, but at least the first thing is gym every day, so I don't have to think. I just have to get there and the instructor will take it from there.

Thank you, everyone who sent your condolences.

smgriffin @ 2009-10-19T18:15:00

2009-10-20T02:16:37Z

My brother shot himself. He's dead.

smgriffin @ 2009-10-15T14:09:00

2009-10-15T22:10:20Z

Steriod drops taste like ass.

Damn you eyes and your strainededness

smgriffin @ 2009-10-14T22:31:00

2009-10-15T06:31:24Z

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THE ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE SERIES IS FINALLY FINISHED DOWNLOADING.

After three days, I can finally watch Starcrossed.

I <3 GLxHawkgirl.

WJ - One Month

2009-10-11T00:20:27Z

So, this month shit out the wazoo has happened, including me missing over half my gym classes, but hey, I still have to fess up to it. So here's my first month's photo!

Link to Start photo

One Month, October 10th: 184lbs - 6 lbs weight loss, despite the crazy!

smgriffin @ 2009-10-03T21:10:00

2009-10-04T05:16:32Z

so, I've been being creative the last couple days as a pick-me-up. Been finishing Nicole's scarf/hat combo and working on Bek's fox - it's going well, by the way. However, I've decided to have a junk project on the side. All my extra yarn will go towards a large blanket. This is pure insanity since a blanket is just a much larger scarf and I've already sworn to never ever ever make another scarf, ever. However, the fact this isn't a present for anyone will probably make all the difference. I'll be able to screw it seven ways from Sunday and no one will care because it's sole purpose is to be warm.

I want to thank everyone who's wished me well in these hard times. I know I haven't replied, but it's more a fact I'm moving on as fast as possible by not thinking about it than not appreciating the support.

Personal Peptalk

2009-09-29T17:35:53Z

So, this last week was emotionally abusive on so many levels and I'm finally now feeling the fall out. My grandfather died Saturday, we flew out Monday at 6am and I had no time to rush in any of my assignments due that week. On the plane down, I managed to get in my costuming character analyses for Romeo and Juliet, but everything else was a bust. 26 hours stuck in airports is not my idea of fun and after being stranded in Seattle for half of that, I never want to see that city ever again. I slept on the floor for a week, which killed my back.

I don't do funerals, I've found out. I especially don't do visitations where I have to stand in a line with my family for hours on end being hugged and consoled by a flock of people I've never met, don't care about, and just want to get the fuck away from. I wanted to start punching people about fifteen minutes in. I am a very happy social critter, but I don't do masses of people. Then, the funeral, which was short, and I got to sing. Singing was my version of everyone else's drawn out three-day event. Four verses of Amazing Grace and I was at peace with me and my grief. Sadly, no one else was and we had a four hour drive out to the family cemetary to watch the military burial. Then, we went to my uncle's farm for more masses of people sitting around, patting me on the shoulder, and not leaving me the hell alone. I don't want to share my pain. Misery does not want company. I wanted to snuggle my dogs - which were 3000 miles away - watch a movie, and be by myself.

Anyway, the week continued like that, I flew back Sunday, and have wanted to cry at the drop of a hat ever since. I haven't, thank God, and most of my teachers have been lovely about the whole thing, but I'm still wrung out.

So, to remind myself my life doesn't actually suck ass, I am listing all the good things that have happened recently.

1. I went to auditions for the first time in four years AND I got a part. Not a huge part, but not a bit part, either, so I'm happy.

2. Ed, who is the biggest sweetheart ever and I would marry him if he didn't live on the other side of the planet, sent me a set of DVD's of his favorite show, completely out of the blue. I don't know if he heard about what happened or if he's just got the best timing ever, but it was a complete and fantastic surprise.

3. My history teacher is allowing me to make up a class discussion by writing another paper AND he wants me to become a history major. It's not going to happen, but it's flattering nonetheless.

4. My costuming class has been invited to the Lion King closing party with the cast.

5. BOB IS BACK. He's my baby boy from high school. He ran away to Cali for awhile, but now he's home for good and should be giving me a call later.

Bob, Tikka, and I on my 19th birthday.

6. My Goddaughter is smiling, now.

7. I got Russell hugs AND he's letting me make up my missed gym classes.

8. I have my puppies.

9. I got to talk to Mr. Brown yesterday.

10. Becca picked us up from the Airport and I got Becca snuggles first thing getting off the plane.

And that's why my life doesn't suck.

smgriffin @ 2009-09-19T14:35:00

2009-09-19T22:37:17Z

My grandfather finally passed away due to diabetes. I'll be out of town for about a week.

smgriffin @ 2009-09-10T23:52:00

2009-09-11T07:56:36Z

I watched Supernatural for the first time in a year tonight.

After their major fuck-up with the angel intro last season(*is angry little bible geek at the complete lame predictability*), they have now redeemed themselves by A. Not making God the bad guy. That gets so old. B. Having Bobby be Bobby-ful and fantastic. and C. There was a Wincest fangirl WRITING FANFICTION ON THE TV! *points*

They know, girls.

They know.

In other news, I'm a terrible LJer. Obviously, some of you have noticed I've dropped off the face of the earth- I'M WRITING THAT FEST-FIC, PERVY. DON'T YOU WORRY. - and I have no idea when I'll return. Somehow, I lost half my classes and my spare time ran away with it. Anyway, I'll skim my LJ flist randomly, but if you want my attention, pester me here. I still check my email regularly.

Weight Journal

2009-09-06T02:47:04Z

Thursday my gym classes begin and I've decided since anything truly educational this semester has already been shot out of the water, I'll focus heavily on finally busting my weight down to a healthy level, every month on the fifth-ish I will take a picture of myself and check my weight. Everyone on here is so supportive, I know I'll get plenty of encouragement.

Start: September 5th, 2009. 190lbs. (I gained 12 lbs this summer after my crosstraining class. I know, Bad Griff!)

It's a very honest and unflattering picture, but I figure it's a great motivator.

Wish me luck!

smgriffin @ 2009-09-03T18:49:00

2009-09-04T02:54:38Z

I've officially reached the point where God had better have a plan for me because I sure as fuck don't. I had to drop Japanese due to absences a week after I dropped Russian due to my lack of a printer. That leaves me with 11 credits, not even a full-time student. I took summerschool so I could take this bloody class and I've been informed by my teacher there is no viable way to pass my class unless I ace everything from here out. Which, obviously, is impossible.

Someone Upstairs Decided...

2009-09-02T17:07:44Z

Seriously, what the hell? Do I have a sign stapled to my forehead screaming 'GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT'? First, my printer, then my dogs, and NOW? Now I'VE got the fucking flu. I've already missed four days this semester and considering how fast this flu is hitting me and my history of completely dying, something tells me I'm good and fucked. My gym classes don't start for another week, thankfully, and if it ends up I have the mother of all flu's, I think Fran will forgive me, but I'm worried about my Japanese class. I worked my ASS off to be able to take this class now and I don't want to take another semester of Japanese over the summer. *sighs*

I have to decide in two days what I'm going to do, because that's when the full-refund day ends.

Disney bought MARVEL.

2009-08-31T23:53:56Z

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/01/business/media/01disney.html?_r=2&partner=rss&emc=rss

Seriously! They bought the whole thing! Not just the movie sector - even the comics.

smgriffin @ 2009-08-30T11:27:00

2009-08-30T19:29:13Z

Yesterday, Bebo cost 500$ to fix. Today? We find out Darcy's allergic to rice. I'm doing the horribly irresponsible thing of looking up dog dosages online and medicating her myself without vet approval, but I just don't have the money to take her in. Besides, it's near impossible to kill something with a Benadryl overdose. (Thank God.)

smgriffin @ 2009-08-29T15:40:00

2009-08-29T23:41:56Z

$500 dollars to fix my dog. *dies*

All because he ate a bone and got sick.

smgriffin @ 2009-08-26T16:14:00

2009-08-27T00:15:52Z

I have four different fics started at the moment, but with the start of school, I'm completely dead. Hopefully, once things start smoothing out, I'll be able to get back into the groove. Right now, I'm going to take a nap and pretend I don't have class in two hours.

Edit: Also, I haven't checked my Flist since the beginning of the week. Expect a rush of comments later on when I get to it.

smgriffin @ 2009-08-20T16:29:00

2009-08-21T00:32:59Z

Title: Tradition
Wordcount: 416
rating:PG
Characters: Dick, Damian
Summary: There comes a time in every Robin's life.... Crack. Complete crack.

Damian was learning to hate tradition. He’d been fooled into being it’s bedfellow with warm breakfasts and birthday celebrations, but now it was rearing its ugly head and taunting his downfall with a bray of dark violent fire and Dick’s sense of humor.

“It’s tradition, you know.” Dick had said, giving him a sly smile while the observed from the roof.

And Damian had replied with a military, “Yes, sir,” without putting down his binoculars. Stephanie Brown was hustling goons again. She’d gotten better. Good form, quick adaptation, nice application of necessary force. Observing the competition was a time-honored practice and wise to boot. However, that wasn’t what Batman had in mind.

“Damian, she’s contacting the nest. You can stop now.” And that’s where it started; the cold whip of suspicion in his stomach that roiled about like a pit of snakes.

“Observation should be taken seriously and be complete, sir.” Damian insisted, leaning out across the roof for a closer look.

“I agree completely. However, if either she or the bosslady figure out I’ve been letting my Robin ogle her Batgirl’s very nice assets with a pair of bat-issue binoculars, we’re both in for some serious ass-kicking and all Alfred will do is laugh and laugh.”

“Wha-WHAT?” Damian squawked, fumbling his binoculars spectacularly. He took one mournful moment to watch them tumble down the side of the building and smash on impact. Dick pat him on the shoulder.

“I remember the first time I noticed the bright yellow heels. They were a ridiculous idea, of course, that’s why BG’s moved on to more practical footwear, but,” Batman let out a reminiscent sigh, “it made her calves a mile long. The day I found out those legs were just as sexy out of the boots was the happiest of my life.”

In a rush of new emotion, Damian was sure his was going to cry and it was nauseating and alarming at the same time. He wasn't suffering any pain or emotional loss, no great joy, simply an immediate urge to throw himself off the roof without a jumpline right now and never, ever wake up.

Instead, he just stared.

“I was about your age, too. Don’t worry about it. It’s natural. However, since this batgirl is legally too old for you? I’m afraid you’re going to have to keep your dirty thoughts to yourself for a couple years. Gordon would kill me, otherwise.”

Robin had never been jealous of a pair of binoculars before.

Gloria, Bek, and Pervy, rock my world.

2009-08-20T10:33:15Z

Ok, seriously guys?

Seriously?

You're all fucking epic. Seriously.

Bek, the cake was perfect. I'm sure Gloria ate it all and has gained like, five million pounds from it's sheer awesomeness. It's only right. It our dear Jason were a corporeal being, I'm sure he would have eaten it himself and smeared frosting all over things because he can be excessively childish that way.

Gloria, Batgirl #1. *hugs* Steph has gone from 'favored female character' to 'knife-fighting Dinah for Queen Bitch in the Griff-book' and it's all in thanks to you.

Pervy, I'm barely lucid and haven't even begun to catch up on reading what you've posted, but all it took was 'Five times Jason and Stephanie made a positive impact on someone's life in Gotham.' for me to go 'REVEREND TODD AND S. BROWN M.D.!'. I promise to read the stories tomorrow, even before I go pick up my anti-biotics. Then, I promise to finish my BatmanBeyond!Babs fic, work on sketching the first chapter of the Avatar fic, and throw myself into the antics of two post-vigilante nutters with balls of steel. Even though, ya know, Batgirl #1. Oh my god. *fist pump*

I know the three of you are staring at me like i've gone mad- which I probably have - and wondering why I posted this at 2am while ill, but I promise you. Good things will come of this. Jason!Fic, Gloria. ... I'm not quiet sure what aspect of it you'll give a rat's ass about, Bek, but there's got to be something, or else you can bitch and give me a fic prompt or whatnot because you totally are partially at fault here. Pervy? There will be girl!fic. Awesome girl!fic. That probably will have a rather inappropriate amount of Bruce-mocking involved and it's all his fault.

Also? I made a new icon. I dug through all the internet to find yet another gif.maker - one that's easy to find and use when you put in the right words, actually. Very pleased. - just because I am so very very pleased. And Damian looks like a stunted balding troll. Really, he has the stupidest looking hair.

Happy Healthy Goddaughter

2009-08-12T04:24:46Z

My Goddaughter, Tempest Eve Banie-Carlson, was born at 5:11pm on August 11, 2009. She weighed in at 6lbs 10oz and has the prettiest blue eyes.Tempest is beautiful. I didn't get to hold her because the grandparents were being hogs, but that's alright. I'm going back tomorrow when things have calmed down and Tikka has had a breather. It was a very easy delivery, particularly since this is her first baby. 11 hours and no complications with a very healthy baby at the end.

I have videos!

Tempest and Jeanette(Grandma)

Tempest and Jeanette(Grandma)2

Tempest and Allen(Grandfather)

Tempest and Bok(Granmother)

Tempest, Tikka, and John (Parents)

ATTENTION!

2009-08-11T01:33:18Z

So, tomorrow at 6am my best friend is being induced and my little Goddaughter willbe on her way into the big wide world. Tempest Eve Banie-Carlson.

Don't speak to me of mean nicknames. I know. We all know. Don't ask me why Tikka decided to go with it, she just... did.

Anyway, after months of pondering, I have decided to call the little darling 'Timmy', however I don't particularly want to spell it that way because, um, GIRL. So, this is where you all come in. The pronunciation is 'Teh-mee', now you, with my lovely poll, get to decided how I spell it henceforth.

Remember, a little girl's piece of mind and kindergarden career rests in your hands.

View Poll: GODDAUGHTER!

smgriffin @ 2009-08-10T14:49:00

2009-08-10T22:52:56Z

Did I just watch Bruce Wayne use the 'I can't hear you, you're breaking up.' *crinkles paper, click* excuse? Why yes, yes I did. And on BARBARA of all people. Who wants to be when she comes back from spring break, she's gonna kick his butt?

Also? Alfred said 'Ain't gonna touch that'.

Mystery of the Batwoman is turning out to be hilarious.

Win.