Weight Loss - Pic Heavy!

So, if anyone remembers, I've been on the weight loss road for a long time. A long, long, long time. I've been working my way down from 190 here on LJ for the past three years, but I've actually been losing it for the last five. At my highest, I was 225. I'm done quite finished, but when I stumbled across these old pictures of me, it really opened my eyes. I may not be done at 140, but I'm a hell of a lot better off than when I started

Here is the ONLY photo I can find of me at my highest weight - 225lbsCollapse )

200:Collapse )

190:Collapse )

180:Collapse )

155:Collapse )

Current Weight - 140:Collapse )

It's taken me five years and I'm not done, yet. But it's worth it


Making Changes

You can tell I'm feeling better because the need to rant and raving has considerably decline. 

*shake pill bottle*

Yup, you can thank the crazy people meds for that. God bless crazy people meds. 

My mood and motivation hit as low as I was willing to deal with last week and I called my mother to come in and manage my life for me. I told her I needed psychiatric help and I needed meds, and in a matter of hours she was here, had an approved doctors list from the insurance, and hunted down a place to see me. Ended up, Campus Medical was the easiest place.

I love my meds doctor. Love him. Seriously, I would skip down the yellow brick road with him. He listened, he has me on Lexapro, which I took back in 2009 for SAD, and it's doing it's job. I have minor side effects - food, eeeeeew - but altogether, I'm feeling like myself again. I've still got a ways to go, but just feeling like I'm in the right skin again for a change is magical. 

I have my first therapy session tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes, and then Thursday I head out to see my sister. First thing, I get to run a 5K with them, which should be utterly hilarious, since I haven't run in months. Mooooonths. 

Yup. I'm gonna die.

But, I'll die happy. 


(no subject)

So here I am doing something I really should’ve started ages ago. I thought about it. I considered it even. Decided, to a certain point, that it would happen eventually at some point in the nearish future of ‘down the road’. This, to share with you all, is how I manage to be both utterly insightful and a master of denial and procrastination.

Which, ultimately what this whole journaling thing with people who will respond and give a shit is all about.  It’s time to stop playing the emotional denial card because it’s fucking up my life and as much as I really, really, don’t want to turn myself into a hyperventilating basket case that can’t sit in crowded rooms without her back to the wall and a clear view of all exits, the fact is, I’ve more or less turned myself into an emotional eunuch since my brother’s death and it’s stopping now.

Dealing with shit like a god damned human being. Which fucking sucks, for the record.Collapse )

Writer's Block: I'm not a bully but...

We've all said something mean at some point in our lives. We may not be bullies but we may not always be nice. Write an apology to someone you've hurt in past.

Except I am. Or I was, at least. 

There are people from my high school who will swear, in all seriousness, I was the anti-christ. Do I feel bad? Not in the slightest. I never have. Because I felt justified.

THAT is the problem.

Here's why...Collapse )

Warnings: Woobie and death.

On the drive home, I had this idea to write a post about how thankful I am for the friends who’ve gotten me through the last few years and how much better I am now. I sat down at the computer, pulled up a file, and realized it was a lie.

Not that my friends are wonderful, amazing people who’ve buoyed me through when I needed it. The lie is that life has gotten any easier without Andrew.

I always forget I’m amazing at pretending. I buck up, swallow down, and move on like nobody’s business. I can do it forever. The only problem is, when I do that with one emotion, it tends to spread to the rest. I don’t turn hollow, but I do turn…. Dimmer. Like someone switched out my HDTV for a boomtube from the 80’s. Picture’s all still there, it’s just not quite what it should be. Watch the older TV for a while and you don’t even notice the differences until you’re staring at the HDTV again, wondering why you never noticed.

I spent most of my day on the road between here and the parents’ because I knew they’d be a mess. Sure enough, I spent my hours there patting shoulders and nodding. I guess I should’ve felt alright grieving with them, but I don’t. It feels like a competition of ‘who’s the bigger mess’, even though I know that’s not what’s going on in anyone’s head. But, now that I’m home by myself, I can’t because…

Well, probably because I’m afraid I’ll never stop.

I just…

Well, here’s to two years and counting.


So, I actually cleaned out my living room, cleaned and moved my sofa, finished sewing together my rug (just together, I didn't make the individual panels), got a washer and dryer that weren't stackable, so my desk was magically evicted, the green chair finally earned the right to stay after hauling me through homework these last few weeks including my English paper today, and all together, it's been a busy day, and my house is slowly becoming presentable.

Oh, and I have a 103.2 fever and threw up all day.

Here, have a photo of my living room, Bebo included!

Read more...Collapse )



So, I've been ridiculously lazy the last few days to recover from the truama of starting school. I'll put on my big-girl pants and be responsible tomorrow. This weekend, I slept, slept, slept, took my bike into the shop, and played my first game of beer pong. My team captain nailed me in the forhead with a sniper ball. There's a bruise. Totally  best team building event ever.

Uh, and by 'team building', I mean there was lots of booze. I brought cookies.

I'm beginning to deal spectacularly bad with the fact I'm no longer in Alaska. I have no idea why starting school is the trigger for homesickness, but I admit, my little pavlovian tendencies whenever I have an actual scheduale are all set for ALASKA and, well, it's getting to me. Luckily, I DO OWN big girl pants. I DO. I have them and tey even occassionally fit. I can do this shit. 

Gymnastics does look like it's going to be my highlight of the semester, which makes me really happy. When athletics are fun, it makes it 10 million times more worthwhile and my team is made of really awesome people. I know, right now, with as little as I know the senior team members, I could call any of them with a flat tire at 4 am and they'd come pick me up. That's a good feeling to have. 

Also, I'm officially a college student. I have less than 100$ in my account and I still need to buy books and groceries. I'm thinking 'What books?'.


First Day Failboat


Yes, that is how my day went yesterday. Today, debatably, is not much better, but at least it's my own fault instead of everyone else being stupid and frustrating and GRAWGER. 

Pervy? Compiling the heroines_fest's prompt list was the best thing I did all day. Seriously. Bright shiny beacon. Just to put things in perspective.

First, ends up there are no bike paths or sidewalks on the major streets I have to cross/bike along on the way to school. I felt like a pedestrian in Death Race 2000. 'FIFTY POINTS'. A little old lady nearly ran me over on the cross walk, I got honked out when I crossed on my walk, etc etc, normal stupid whatever.

Then my physics professor never showed.

My computer will not, for any discernable reason the IT guys can find, get on the internet. 

Some dick on a skateboard bowled me over, sent my netbook flying, shook the wi-fi card loose so it only works on very rare occassions sitting very still, blank screens occassionally, and it has a giant gash out of it. 

This is when my asprin wore off and my assorted 'OH GOD, OW's from starting a sport I haven't breathed on since I was like, 12, comes back. And then I get to sit through math.

My math class requires me to have regular access to the internet and a computer.

It was 107 degrees yesterday and I figured out as soon as I crossed from campus that my back tire was flat. I don't mean squishy. I mean flat. 

I hauled my black metal bike over 20 blocks home when I hurt so bad I was crying. 

My fucking bike DOES NOT FIT IN MY CAR.

It took me 45 minutes to come to that conclusion.

I hurt too badly to go to practice.

I finally found a decent laptop that didn't have primary component parts designed to clog-up, slow down, and drive me to madness in a year, but it cost 1400$. 

... The ice cream cone I bought myself from McDonalds fell in my lap on the way home.


I need walking shoes when I bike. Flip Flops are fine when it works, but a bitch when it doesn't. 

Laptop alway is immediately returned to back-pack. I don't care if I'm walking 1000 feet. IN THE BAG.

McDonalds hates me.